Marriage: A Coequal Covenant
- James Collazo
- Jun 10, 2022
- 13 min read
Updated: Nov 8
Introduction
In his letter to the Ephesians, the apostle Paul provides two essential instructions for a healthy marriage: "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband" (Eph. 5:33). However, you are unlikely to hear this in most marriage counseling today. Many counselors, Christian or secular, rely on a type of psychotherapy called Gestalt—German for "whole form." According to WebMD, Gestalt therapy "focuses on increasing a person's awareness, freedom, and self-direction" and emphasizes the present moment rather than past experiences.
Psychology Today states that clients "experience situations, perhaps through re-enactment," during Gestalt counseling to understand how negative thoughts and behaviors hinder self-awareness and happiness. However, when couples bring toxic patterns into these re-enactments, the cycle often continues, oftentimes leading to divorce. Accurate marital communication must rest on a foundation of equality, love, and mutual respect, where both husband and wife honor one another as Paul commands.
Love & Respect in Marriage
Marriage always centers on whether a husband loves his wife and whether a wife respects her husband. Ephesians 5:33 says, "the wife must respect her husband," rather than love him. Yes, wives must also love their husbands, but men often experience love through respect. In other words, a man values actions and behavior more than kind words or material provision. A wife can lavish her husband with affection, but not respect him. Likewise, a man can say the loving words his wife needs to hear but not mean them.
Unfortunately, love and respect have everything to do with the respective reasons why men and women commit adultery. If a man feels that another woman, other than his wife, genuinely respects him, he will feel the missing feeling with the wrong woman. Additionally, if a woman feels more cared for by another man than by her husband, she may end up with the wrong man. However, this lack of love or respect is not an excuse to commit adultery, and neither spouse has the right to hold the marriage ransom with their feelings.
Merriam-Webster defines "love" as:
1. A. (1): strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
–(2) attraction based on sexual desire—affection and tenderness felt by lovers
–(3) affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests
–B. assurance of affection 2. warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion
3. A. (1): the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration
—-B. a beloved person
4. A: unselfish, loyal, and benevolent concern for the good of another, such as:
–(1) the fatherly concern of God for humankind
–(2) brotherly concern for others
—-B. one's adoration of God
Merriam-Webster defines "respect" as:
1. relation or reference to a particular thing or situation 2. the act of giving particular attention—consideration
3. A. high or particular regard; esteem
—-B. quality or state of being esteemed
—-C. respects (plural): expressions of high or special regard or deference
Husbands want their wives to hold them in high regard and treat them with consideration. Wives desire a selfless, attentive husband who finds them attractive, shows tenderness, and consistently acts with kindness. Paul lists these same qualities as part of "steadfast love" (Greek: agapē, G26) when he writes:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away (1 Cor. 13:4–8).
Paul does not write this as poetry or a love song; he intends these words to describe all Christian behavior, including how spouses relate to one another in marriage.
Marriage & Sex: Becoming One Flesh
Let us reflect on these verses in Genesis about Adam and Eve:
The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man." That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame (Gen. 2:23–25).
Jesus appeals to Genesis when he gives his teaching on marriage:
But at the beginning of creation, God "made them male and female" [Gen. 1:27]. "For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh" [Gen. 2:24]. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate (Mark 10:6–9).
Paul also invokes Genesis when he admonishes the Corinthians regarding sexual immorality (Greek: porneia, G4202). He emphasizes that sexual relations—even when casual or exploitative, such as in prostitution—unite individuals as "one flesh," as though they were married (1 Cor. 6:15–17). We must approach sexual intimacy with utmost seriousness and reserve it exclusively for a partner with whom we intend to become "one flesh" for life. Since God established sexual union as the natural means of procreation, it ought to occur solely between a man and a woman committed to a lifelong marital relationship.
Today, our culture often treats sex selfishly, drives it by pleasure, discards partners casually, and regards conception as a burden (see "Pastoral Response: Abortion"). This utilitarian approach encourages unnatural practices and indulgent lusts, causing spiritual harm (Rom. 1:26–27; see "Pastoral Response: Homosexuality"). God created sexuality to be good and fulfilling, free from abuse and emptiness—but this purpose is fully realized only within the commitment of marriage.
Scripture defines any sexual relationship outside the lifelong, public, and legal bond between a man and a woman of natural gender as "fornication" (porneia). Those who engage in porneia are likened to prostitutes (G4204, from pernēmi, "to sell"), giving themselves freely in ways meant to exploit or degrade. The term "fornication" itself comes from the Latin fornix, the arches where prostitutes would offer themselves, and Scripture warns us not to diminish the image of God within us through such immoral behavior.
Intimacy: Making Love Last for Life
Now, let us turn to a more positive view of sexual intimacy. Scripture defines marriage as a lifelong covenant in which one man and one woman unite as "one flesh" in Christ's name (2 Cor. 11:2; 1 Tim. 3:2, 12; Heb. 13:4). Paul presents marriage as a model, calling husbands to love their wives with the same selfless care that Jesus shows the church:
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now, as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh" [Gen. 2:24]. This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband (Eph. 5:21–33).
The Bible presents sexual intimacy as a gift from God that bonds a husband and wife. In the Song of Solomon, the groom expresses his desire for his bride: "Your breasts are like two fawns . . . Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, I will go to the mountain of myrrh and the hill of incense. You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you" (Song of Sol. 4:5–7). King David also celebrates marital delight: "It is like a bridegroom coming out of his chamber" (Ps. 19:5). These passages show that God intends sex to bring joy and intimacy to spouses who commit to each other for life.
Husbands and wives need only to know each other sexually. However, sex is not a right within marriage, and withholding it does not justify adultery. Joseph demonstrated respect and self-control when he married Mary, as evidenced by his obedience to God, his honoring of his wife, and his restraint in delaying the consummation of the marriage until the proper time (Matt. 1:24–25). Similarly, Paul instructs couples to practice mutual consent and self-control, showing that love and respect guide marital intimacy:
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command (1 Cor. 7:3–6).
The Bible on Premarital Sex
Let us be clear on one final point: the Bible does not equate premarital or casual sex with marriage. This section does not justify premarital sex. When the Corinthians asked Paul whether men should avoid sex with women (1 Cor. 7:1), he replied, "But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband" (1 Cor. 7:2). In other words, Paul assumed the reality of premarital sex while remaining consistent with the Law of Moses. Even a casual reader of the Old Testament sees that the Law prescribed severe penalties for sexual immorality, including the death penalty for adultery and homosexuality (Lev. 20:10, 13). Yet God allowed natural consequences for premarital sex rather than imposing formal punishment:
If a man seduces a virgin who is not pledged to be married and sleeps with her, he must pay the bride-price, and she shall be his wife. If her father absolutely refuses to give her to him, he must still pay the bride-price for virgins (Exod. 22:16–17).
In other words, the Law of Moses required a young man to marry a young woman if he had deflowered her. He also had to pay her father for the work she could no longer perform, since society depended on agriculture. God designed this command so the man would accept responsibility for his actions, act honorably, and commit to the woman with whom he had been intimate. The rule protected her from abandonment. When a couple acknowledges their premarital sexual bond through marriage, they have not sinned. Mitchell G. Bard (b. 1959), a political analyst, historian, and director of the Jewish Virtual Library, offers this perspective:
In biblical times, a man was not prohibited from having sexual relations with a woman, as long as it led to marriage. The Bible never explicitly states that a woman and a man may not have sexual intercourse before marriage; therefore, no sanction was imposed for premarital sex, but it was considered a violation of custom.
Divorce: When the Bond Breaks
Jesus only gives us two statements about divorce:
But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery (Matt. 5:32).
Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery (Matt. 19:8–9).
However, the situation is more complicated than it seems. The Pharisees approached Jesus to test him (Matt. 19:3–7). Why? The Jewish leaders had not yet settled the issue of divorce in the first century. The two primary rabbinic schools—Hillel (c. 110 BC–c. AD 8) and Shammai (c. 50 BC–c. AD 30)—disagreed on how to interpret Moses' commands about divorce. The verses in question are:
If she does not please the master who has selected her for himself . . . If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing, and marital rights. If he does not provide her with these three things, she is to go free, without any payment of money (Exod. 21:8, 10–11).
The Hillelites interpreted the "if she does not please the master" clause to allow Jewish men to divorce their wives for minor reasons, such as burning a meal or being less attractive than another woman. This custom was very different from modern no-fault divorce. In the first century, a divorced woman often ended up abandoned with nothing. The Shammaites strongly opposed this view, emphasizing that the Law of Moses required a man to provide for his first wife's basic needs even if he divorced her. In contrast, the Hillelites focused on the text to expedite the marriage process.
Jesus sided with Shammai's more conservative, literal interpretation. He agreed with Exodus 21:10–11 that a man could be divorced if he 1) refused to provide basic needs such as food and clothing, or 2) denied his wife love and intimacy, abusing or neglecting her. In such cases, the wife was no longer bound to this man. Jesus highlighted the part of the Law where Hillelites, Shammaites, and he differed, but all agreed that abuse and neglect justified divorce. Despite what some church leaders claim—that adultery is the only biblical reason for divorce—Jesus affirmed that abuse and neglect count, consistent with Jewish tradition. If leaders teach otherwise, it reflects a selfish desire to control, not God's will (see "Narcissism & False Teachers"). Paul acknowledges this pattern when he writes:
For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace (1 Cor. 7:14–15).
To summarize, the Bible identifies four conditions that break the marriage bond:
1) adultery, including lust (e.g., pornography; see Matt. 5:27–28).
2) abuse (e.g., no provision of food)
3) neglect (e.g., no provision of clothes or money)
4) abandonment (e.g., emotional, sexual, religious, spiritual)
Conclusion
Many people talk about the "sanctity of marriage," but God blesses a marriage only when the husband truly loves his wife and the wife genuinely respects him. Just being married does not guarantee God's favor, any more than leading thousands astray as a false teacher makes someone righteous. God calls us to follow both general moral principles and wisdom for each situation (cf. Mark 2:24–26). Marriage is one of the highest virtues, but only when we live it according to Christ. Abuse or neglect breaks the covenant, leaving a spouse hurt and alone in heart. Yet Paul reminds us that reconciliation is possible when someone repents and seeks peace. Marriage is so sacred that Jesus calls the church his bride, even when we fall short. The wedding at Cana (John 2:1–12) points forward to the ultimate wedding feast with Christ on the last day (Rev. 19:7, 21:2, 9, 22:17). Jesus shows us how a husband should love: patiently, self-controlledly, respectfully, and entirely devoted. See here:
Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me (Rev. 3:20).
Prayer
Blessed are you, LORD our God, King of heaven and earth. You sanctify marriage and reveal the union of Christ and his church. May couples live in love, mutual respect, and faith. Fill their homes with joy, secure attachment, and your presence. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
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